that's not good. i remember when i was suicidal. i tried to kill myself more than once with pills. you probably think no one understands what you're going through. but ifyou think that. you're wrong. look on the bright side of everything. life is not as bad as you think. it has its ups and its downs you're just in a slump.

Sorry to hear that your weight is still upsetting you.

But Im glad everything else is going well.

<3

im so glad ur back. i was starting to get worrie. merry christmas and have a happy new year. and we all hope to here from you soon

*Boo*

i've added you to my faves:)

ana girl who needs some friends-FadingObsession

I hope you're doing ok. I don't have much time on here but wanted to wish you the best and say that I'm thinking of all of you!

Brightest Blessings!
Deirdre

I hope that you have a great trip!

 I am praying for your recovery from ANA...I have an addiction and understand how they can be...I LOVE alcohol and yet it destroys me.

  Please take loving care of yourself!!!!!,

                Jewel

When you fall in love with someone deeply, the choice to be healthy not only for yourself, but for them, can be motivating. When you feel Ana pushing hard, think about M. Do you not want to live as long as possible in this world - with him? Do you want to have children? These two things have kept my issues at an all time low, and I love my husband for that. We've been together for 8 years, married 2. I know how it is, to feel you need to push, push and push them away, it's a test! And if he cares, he should pass. But every man has a limit and if you keep pushing, you may lose your chance at a very worthwile relationship. I hope you think about what you want from life, realize that you could die today - from Ana, in a car crash or freak accident - and how many regrets you would have.

Take care.

im sorry i have been gone for so long. i hope you are doing well. i have updated my diary if you would lik to check it out. a long time ago you said i could e-mail you if i needed your help. is it still ok?   

4 months!!  now that is an accomplishment.  you should brag about that girl!!  good for you!!  seriously!!!  i am so proud.

-bec

o hun i know.  the empty feeling is so amazing when you are in that state of mind, but we were not meant to feel empty.  it doesn't mean that we have to like, gorge ourselves, but it is true thas if you want to have children you have to take care of your body, and how can you love those kids if you don't love yourself?  i feel like such a hypocrite writing this, because i myself suffer from mia, but i almost feel that if i tell others, i just might start to believe it myself.

-becs

thank you so much for staying in contact with me. i kind of fell off of the face of the earth there for a while. i really appreciate your thoughts for me in this hard time. thanks so much!

i will talk to you soon!

-ava

omgg hi cherr..
i don't know if you remember me,
it's kat (fadedflower)
i missed ya and happened to come 'cross thie entry.
i juss wanna say i'm so proud of you
for taking that step towards eating again.
i know you prolly feel like crap but your body is gonna be so grateful.
whoever this M is, i thank him for helping ya out..

*hugs*
gaining weight to be healthy = good.
keep strong.
i believe in you.


<3
kat

Don't cut, honey! Just don't. You have to see that it's only causing more pain, in the long run it will bring guilt and shame. Go for a run! Take a cold shower! Scream at the top of your lungs! Just don't cut, please?

"Worthless." Quite a word. My dad used this word a lot during my childhood and it's a disgusting word I've vowed to never use describing anyone I love, including myself - anymore. I've seen many women just like you use this word too, interestingly.

Perhaps this guy is missing your signs? You said, "He doesn't even know," so I wondered if he knew how you feel? A lot of the times I was so passive when I was dating, I'm sure men didn't know if they were coming or going. Maybe he doesn't realize you have such feelings for him?

I know it seems like bad things seek you out of the crowd, that everything negative CAN and WILL happen to you. I've had some times like that too. The only thing that comforts me is thinking that God will reward me some day for all of my hardships. I'm sure you will be rewarded as well for all of your trials and tribulations.

I hope you have a wonderful day and week.

Shelly

Sorry hunn. I'm always here to talk.

XxXthink_thinXxX@yahoo.com

~Taylor~

Hunn, I'm gonna say the same thing to you as I said to Lorri. Cutting yourself won't speed up time and make this moment go by any faster. Every moment, whether its good or bad, passes; and we dont have to take it with us everywhere we go. If its a moment, a day, a week, a month, or even a year, you can leave it behind. And although nobody can decide what happens to them, everybody can decide their reactions. So choose a reaction that isn't going to leave you with a scar. Its a lot harder to leave behind a moment when you can see it every day on your arm.

~Taylor~

*hugs*
I think too much too and i do dwell on my daily mistakes.
We seem to have quite a bit in common.

Hope you're ok.
Much Love
Gemz x

Life's too short to dwell on.

Here's a cool quote my pastor said to me. :]

"The past is a good place to visit, but not stay."

Isn't that so true?

Be less harsh on yourself Cher. EVERYONE makes mistakes.. nobody is perfect.. And the more forgiving you learn to be of yourself, the more time you have to move on and change.

Try to relax that mind before you sleep! Listen to some nice music or read a book for a while.. (the Bible helps a lot. )

Love you,
<3

Kat

  I hope that you can forgive yourself for being human and making mistakes..Learn from them and move on quickly...You deserve a new, fresh start each day!

  I hope that your day is Blessed!,

        Jewel

P.S. I use to be a Dweller.

Just try to focus on the positives, hunn. There will always be little things that bother you, but you have to ignore them and have the mindset of "this life won't last forever, I need to enjoy every minute of it while I can."

~Taylor~

50 lbs? that's ridiculous.

do you want to look like a holocaust victim?

You know me, hunn, and I'm pro-ana. But honestly, 50 lbs is too thin. I think something closer to 80-85 is better (depending on your height) and you can be alive. 50 lbs is...well...a death wish. We love you too much to see you go! Good luck hunn!

~Taylor~

You are always worth it! we all care about you and we are all here any time you need some one to talk to!!

~Katie

50lbs? Oh, honey, that's terribly ill. You ARE worth a better life! I'm praying for you.

-shelly

Please seek help... ):

It hurts to see you go through these cycles over and over..

Your life is worth so much more..

I love you..

<3

Kat

Well.....I hope you succed in whatever you want to acheive, but ask yourself is so much of cutting good for your health. Best of luck to you.

Hunn, cutting is NOT the way. I think you don't feel guilty because you don't think you can ever stop. YOU CAN. I believe in you!

I hope all goes well with Ana and with work. And I hope you feel GREAT at the wedding!!!

~Taylor~

Sorry work sucks so bad but it seems like Ana is going great! Good luck hunn! I love ya!

~Taylor~

hang in there chica.

~Katie

I'm sorry work is so awful for you right now... ):

*hugs*

<3

Kat

Forget your job, hunn. You're beautiful and they can see it, they're just jealous. Stay strong, we're all here for you.

~Taylor~

hey,

sorry it takes me soooo long to update. i dont know what my problem is...lazy i guess, perhaps busy...yess busy indeed...but soon my summer break will come and i can update on a regular basis. i am glad you still read my entries :) sounds like your doing pretty good, well the diet part...are you almost 60 pounds or 60 pounds lost? i am sure you are not doing anything wrong, or making anything worse, sometimes it really is OTHER people and they do a good job at giving you the blame...i hope that all turns around for ya :)

take care and i will talk to ya soon!

-ava

Hi,

I share my trick with you...... When my supervisor gets a bit too much for me, I draw his sketch on a paper and under the sketch write his name in BIG, BOLD Letters. I then put it on the ground and jump on it with my hobnailed boots till the paper is completely torn.

beleive me..it takes a lot of like steam off ones system.

best fo luck for your weight.

Sorry work is so rough. Just try and focus on the positives...that can only take you to a better place.

~Taylor~

Feel better!

~Katie

Tomorrow will be better!!

~Katie

Hey hunn! Sorry work is sucking so much right now...hang in there. You don't suck at everything.

Good luck!

~Taylor~

Good luck with every thing.

~Katie

hey,

thanks for the comment...i have been really needing the motivation too lately...i have been finding it hard to keep anas voice in my head...hopefully now that the nicer weather has started i will get back into the swing of things and lose some of this weight...go on some walks and bike rides...

well anyway, i will talk to you soon :)

stay strong!

-ava

Hey hunn. I don't really know what to say...keep Ana close.

Good luck babe

~Taylor~

check this out!

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

sushi?! never had it, i dont think i could hold it down...i cant stand the smell of fish!

anyway, thanks for the comment! i just love putting "real"girls in there because then i feel like i can achieve my goal even more knowing that "they" really exist...

talk to you soon!

STAY STRONG!!!!

-ava

Aww hun I am so sorry. It happens to me often, I need to get thin but sometimes it's to difficult for me to stop eating way to much.

Sushi is really filling and good for ya...I love sushi.

And oooh, Valley Girl!  Haha, I go nuts at that place when things are on sale.. Shopping is fun but sighh I know whatcha mean, I'm heaps broke too! (even though I usually use my sis or mum's money) >.< I so need a job.. lol. Hope you can buy something you like next time though. Window shopping leaves me feeling a bit sad sometimes haha. Ah well.

Where abouts are you going interstate and what is it for? Well have a good trip when you do go. (:

Take care of yourself til next time!

Love you Cher,

<3

Kat

Good luck hunn! Stay strong!

~Taylor~

Hey -

Oh sushi. That's what I'm going to eat today. I haven't had it in so long!

Ash

you're not fat, don't worry tomorrow is another day.

~Katie

Please don't be sorry to me Cher. You don't need to be, I know this illness is something in the mind, and is making you see everything not as it is.. but I know God is still in control.. I'm so sorry that you're feeling angry and losing your desire to live. That's really a hard place to be in I know.. )): Please talk about it if you want to. People do go through phases in life where they feel hopeless, you are not alone.

I know I'm probably repeating myself a lot but only God can give you everything you need to live in this world, only He can fill any emptiness and holes you have inside. You have a place in God's heart, and a purpose for being here. And ana is only stealing that away, giving you false hope and aspirations. The goal to be thin..or to be so absorbed in anything believing that it will make everything ok is really just a trick for something deeper.. and God understands us. He knows we make mistakes even such as this, He knows we have a lot of pain and discontentment with life. And that's how it will always be without God's peace and direction in our lives.

I hope somehow your mind will begin to regain and heal towards a healthy perspective. People have recovered from this illness and you can too...

I'll be praying for you. (:

<3

Kat

Hey -

I always wonder, how tall are you ? You must be miniscule at 80lbs..

Ash

Hey -

I do the same with carrots and cheese.

Ash

You are not a pig.

Don't target yourself.

Don't be your own enemy.

I praise you for eating celery instead of junk.

The Cheese was bad.

You made a smart choice.

-PURESHEILD- Good Luck !

((((((((((((Cher)))))))))))))

You know what I think, about this.. I just wish there was something I could say to make you get better..But God's grace is enough to help you.. I'm understanding more just how scary this world of 'ana' is as I got caught up in being thin for a second. I read so many blogs and things and it's just.. It really gets to me how much these girls are really suffering. And.. I know I haven't known you that long and I really actually don't know you all that well..But just want you to know I'm here for you.

I'm not gonna judge you cos I myself, although I haven't let myself go that far, I have had struggles with self-image and just depression in general. I've had the hopeless and lonely moments. I know it is painful )):  I really do. And that's why I just want you to know you're not alone. It's not "you" that's bad or worthless for what you do. I can't imagine what you go through each day. Please, believe me when I tell you even after all that's happened in your life and where you're at now, that you can still be pieced together again and you are worth something! You are worth so much to God..you have no idea how much. I know this struggle is probably more than you can handle right now..but you can win this..not alone but with all the support you need, with prayer and God's grace.. I know that somewhere you'll be a new person. There's hope for everyone. Don't give up on yourself... I'm always here okay!

Love you lots!

Kat

 I'm so sorry to hear about all of that hunn. We're all here for you if you need to talk (or write) about anything. Don't be afraid to greive...letting it out let's Ana know you can show her your true self. Good luck

~Taylor~

i'm so sorry about all of that. don't worry things will get better.

~Katie

Hey -

I'm sorry to hear all that. I guess when it rains, it pours.

Hope to hear from you again soon.

Ash

I'm sorry about your grandma. )):

I'll do my best to pray for her and you. How have you been...? It's been a while since I've heard from you. I hope you are alright.

Please take care,

Love

Kat

I hope your grandma gets better!!

~Katie

I'll keep her in my prayers. :)

[Fat Pig]

I am so sorry this happened, hunn. God is with them, just remember that. Don't be afraid to cry, or to scream or to do anything you need to. Remember we're all here for you if you need us.

~Taylor~

I'm sorry about your friends.

~Katie

ice creams the best to purge though, it comes up so easily...its almost fun:)

-ava

I don't know exactly what you mean, but amen.

~Taylor~

Thank you for your message!!  You really gave me perspective.  I don't have an ana braclet i want one though.  Might have to invest i feel. 

Your awesome!!  Thank you :)

Hey -

Good luck!

Ash

Good luck with exams!!! I love your prayer.

~Taylor~

thanks. dont feel too bad about being mia...its better than nothing right? ana is a talent that is hard to master, we are all striving for it :) mia is a little bit easier to do and helps to still lose a little weight, or at least erase the mistake of eating...

-ava

Whether you end up Ana or Mia (or neither) we'll all still be here supporting you! Good luck on your goals hun!

~Taylor~

Hey -

SHapes are a crock. I could eat them by the boxload, they are so bad for you!

ASh

purging can really take a lot of energy out of you. i love the feeling after you've "purged your guts out" and your all shaky and dizzy :) i feel so thin...

-ava

This is beautiful, did you write it? It's so real...I read it like 8 times already! lol but you are a beautiful writer.

~Taylor~

hey,

thanks for tellin that a**h*** off. i am so sick of people writing stupid sh*t, yes i know they are intitled to their opinion or whatever but so am i... if they dont like it then quite reading it...

they always seem to come back and leave more comments, its like they read it every damn day...

whatever, there just retards...

i love this poem by the way, makes me want to not eat EVER...

-ava

I'm sorry about your pain babe...I wish I knew what to tell you. As much as people try to say you can just pray your pain away, that God will take it all away and everything will just turn out ok. It doesn't work that way. What God really does is gives you the strength and motivation to press on and work through that pain. God always forgives you no matter what. I hope everything works out no matter which path you choose.

Take care hunn

~Taylor~

Hey -

We get homeless people coming into the bar all the time. I feel so sorry for them because they stink so bad, and the bouncers only let them in for one drink...

Ash

((((((cher)))))))

You don't have to feel worthy..none of us are! And when we come to God for that forgiveness..that change..We realise just how broken we are without Him. That feeling of condemnation you have.. Let it pull you to Him..That's what He's there for.. To help us. My friend shared with me this verse which was so true because I also suffer from a lot of guilt sometimes. It says that Jesus did not come for the righteous but the unrighteous.. I think we both know what kind of people we stand as. But that's okay! Things can change.. It's in your head that you're walking alone right now.. God is still there. And I believe in you..

I've been keeping up with your diary in the hope that you will get better.. And I definately don't expect like a change in one day..but I'm juss here to hopefully to show you God's love can reach the even the people who think they've gone too far..you know..? your soul is in a real battle right now.. I can see that you're losing to this ana thing..that you think it's your friend but really it's destroying you. Only God can fill the emptiness and pain you have. Can you put the last of your faith in Him..? Even the littlest faith..all that you have left..even if that's nothing..God will take it..God will hear your cry for help. I think you're at a state that you really need someone to intervene. Gosh..I wish I could get someone to help you. I don't know much about ana so I'm really sorry if anything I've said is insensitive.. I know from your side, things are looking a whole lot different.. but that's why I don't want to judge. Because I know what it's like to be on a side the world can't understand.. but you have to see that this isn't normal. This isn't a way of living...

Okay..And I know even if I tell you this now..and some part of you really does still want to believe..that you might not be able to make these choices for yourself anymore.. ):  ..That's why I'm praying that you'll please...reach out to someone who can help you. There are people in this world who have suffered like you have but have made it out and are living normal lives now. So it is not impossible..nothing is impossible.

I felt sad when I read when you were young, you wanted so many things...and had dreamed so many things for yourself.That feeling of loss..can be so painful.. but I know God is capable of healing you and giving you back a better life than you can even imagine.

You will never be too far from God's reach, His acceptance, His mercy, His Grace.. It's not about you and that's why all things are possible.

Sorry this is so long..! Just know everything I've said I mean it..! God does not lie and there is hope for you too!

Love and prayers,
Kat

I don't know what to say, I am so worried for you.. you don't want to die!

Do you know how dangerous this is..?? ..Everything you write in this diary.. you're suffering from so much more within you..Don't you see that beneathe all this ana business, there's something more. Something that's troubling you.. You don't have to do this Cher. Stop telling yourself so, please listen.. )):  I'm not trying to lecture you or anything..I just want to see you out of this hole..this crazy cycle cos this is not your potential and this is not all your life can be.. far from it.. )):

You're at a really low weight and that is not a good thing... This is not a way out of anything... anything that causes your life to be taken away from you is not the answer. You've got exams ahead...you've got so much ahead. You don't want all that to just go away.

It is not too late to turn back regardless of how you feel and what things are like. Please get help.. Life can be good!

God has not abandoned you and He will always love you.. Please let Him help you.

With prayers,
Kat

This is so scary. You shouldn't want to die. Your weight shouldn't be the reason for you wanting to die. People can live their entire life Ana, and live for a long time. Why not do that instead? Getting down to your goal weight doesn't do any good if you're dead.

There are so many people that love you, support you, and want you alive and well. Ana is a beautiful thing, represent her that way. Don't let yourself be another case of an anorexic girl that died of starvation. Be an example of an Ana with real control. Show the doctors they're wrong, and that Anas can do anything. You can't do any of that if you're dead.

~Taylor~

Hey -

Energy drinks rule. They're so expensive though. Well, they are here, anyway. I take caffeine pills a lot, I don't know the cal content, but it would have to be minimal. I don't like to drink coffee because I like it with a lot of milk and sugar, and it defeats the purpose.

Ash

Girl, I dont even knoe what to tell you...just be carefull. And although I am extremely proud of your weight loss and all that good stuff I still want you to be healthy. hang in there girl, its a hard stuggle but we gotta make it some how. And carefull with those laxative use. For me, it's usually my last resort for losing weight and that's how i know i am doing really bad...And i like you started off just taking 2 and then 4, 6, 8, untill i went all the way up to 24 pills. which is really really